"Attack of the Inane Monster" by Joshua Price

"Today's case is the people vs. the tobacco company. The honorable Judge Winters will be presiding over this case. Please rise."

Everyone in the courtroom stood as the judge walked into the room, carrying several folders of papers. He assumed his position at the head of the courtroom and gave everyone permission to be seated. He looked down at his papers and flipped through them, searching them for the necessary information to properly handle this case. After about a minute, he looked up.

"It is my understanding that the charges you are bringing against the tobacco company are for producing products that are hazardous to health, cause cancer, corrupt the youth, pollute the air, annoy non-smokers, and make unpopular adolescents feel cool by spitting smoke. Is this correct?"

The prosecution attorney stood up, "Yes, your honor."

"And what does the defendant have to say to these charges?"

"Your honor, we deny all of these charges and contest them all. Our products are safe, do not cause cancer, do not corrupt the youth, do not contribute in any significant way to air pollution, do not annoy non-smokers due to designated smoking areas, and unpopular children are still unpopular."

"OBJECTION!"

"On what grounds, Mr. Rite?"

"Your honor, these are outright lies! If you will allow me, may I call a witness to the stand?"

"Proceed."

"I call Surgeon General to the stand!"

Everyone gasped as the only super hero in Generica with a medical degree entered the room, confidently striding up to the stand. What chance would the tobacco company have against a super-powered testimony? After all, the potential villain witnesses were not available for bribery or promises of power (or help taking over the world).

"Surgeon General, tell us, what do cigarettes do?" Mr. Rite asked.

"Smoking is bad for your health. The nicotine is addictive. The tar and other chemicals can cause lung disease and lung cancer in both the smoker and those nearby inhaling the smoke. They give you bad breath and..."

"OBJECTION!" cried a voice from the back of the room. Everyone gasped when they saw who it was, "This story is not about Surgeon General's triumph over the tobacco companies on the grounds that it would be too boring and unfunny to write about, let alone read!"

"Sustained," Judge Winters said calmly.

"Your honor! That's not fair!" Surgeon General whined, "I never get to be in these stories! All I've ever gotten was a cameo mention in the last story!"

"Quit your whining!" the Author ordered, "At least you get to stay as a part of the Ludicrous League of Justice. Poor slliB sdrawkcaB is probably going to be cut since there's only so many backwards jokes you can make. Plus his power was kind of lame, even by our standards. Then there was that protest rally complaining about the difficulty of reading his speech..."

"slliB sdrawkcaB is getting cut?" Mr. Rite asked, "I thought The Cripple was."

"Nah, he's just getting revised a bit, especially in the name department. I'm thinking of something like The Handicap or something along those lines. He'll still have that awesome wheelchair though."

"This isn't fair. I never get a story," Surgeon General continued.

"Ok, look. Want a reason?" the Author asked, "Fine. Tell me this: where were you when the Narrator kidnapped me during the entirety of The Ridiculous Battle of Justice?"

"Uhhhh... probably going after the alcohol companies."

"Exactly, not helping me. Now if you excuse me, I have an actual story to write, one that'll satisfy one group of my readers and hopefully prove to be my arch-nemesis' weakness."

"Who's that?" Judge Winters asked.

"The Writer's Block. Who else? Even the Narrator pales in comparison to his powers," the Author stopped and looked around, clearly annoyed at something, "By the way, can someone shut him up? I'm getting sick of him reading off this scene.

I then turned and fled as a group of burly security guards started to come my way with the intent of silencing my narration. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. However, in the end, my attempts to escape proved to be futile as a another guard appeared in front of the exit. He reached for me with those large arms... ulp!

"Be quiet already!"

* * *

It was quite difficult to tell whether the criminals were cowering because of the hero's might or because of his utter ridiculous. And, unlike the rest of the saviors of Generica, this wasn't ridiculous in a funny or amusing sense, but rather one that would just cause the casual observer to pause, stare for a minute, and then finally say, "Ooooookay..." before walking on and hoping they never saw the sight again.

"Puppies shall assault you!" the huge, bright, multi-colored robot with a pink butterfly emblem on his chest shouted as he raised his arm, trapping the gangsters in ice.

"No, please, not puppies! Just let us go!"

"I'll let you go... straight to a frilly prison!"

The gangsters screamed before passing out. The robot pumped its arm in victory as it had just clearly defeated several evil-doers. Sure, they weren't super villains, but they were still evil people who did things. And evil people who did things would not be out and about on his watch. Oh no!

"Pink Despair!" a gruff voice shouted, "That was the most horrific excuse of crime stoppage I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing in my life!"

"What'd I do wrong, Major Action?"

"Oh, your methods of stopping the criminals were just fine. You did nothing wrong," the Major paused, "The problem is, you're wrong! Everything about you is wrong! You're some weird, freakish, multi-colored robot who's theme is rather stupid. Not to mention you were given a physical description that was more than extremely vague! And, on top of that, the role of annoying super hero is already filled! Finally, of everyone we talked to, not a one expressed any interest in being your arch-nemesis on account of you being too... colorful."

"What!? That's not fair!"

"This is the hero business kid, getting in ain't easy. You want in, try a different role. Maybe you can parody anime or something..."

"Did someone say anime?" another young, japanese hero said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Ok, maybe not anime, that's taken by this up and coming gent. Who, by the way, needs to come up with an alternate identity..."

"Alright, alright! Sheesh, I'm working on it! It'd be easier if you let me write it in kanji-script."

"We're not translating your name every time one of us has to say it in english! Come on, we're based on American comic books here, son, not manga!"

"Yeah!" Pink Despair added, "American!"

Major Action turned to him, "Didn't I just tell you to leave?"

"Fine you... you... kitten abuser!" Pink Despair retorted, "Maybe I'll go be a villain instead, I'm sure they'll accept me."

"Yeah, you keep thinking that," Major Action replied with a chuckle, "I'd actually like to be there when the Internet Troll gets a good look at you."

"So, have you seen Captain Obvious around here, Major?" the anime-based hero-in-making asked, "He was supposed to be teaching me how to fly today."

"Where do you think he is, son?"

"Errr... fighting Agent Subtle?"

"Good answer, son. You got to remember with him: whatever is the most blatantly likely scenario is going to be where he's at. Got it?"

"Yes sir!"

"Good."

Suddenly, the ground shook as a roar reverberated throughout the city, breaking every noise related law all at once and, on top of that, also woke the baby. Buildings crashed over as the rumbling grew heavier. A few moments later, it showed up. A huge, furry monster was crashing through the city, wreaking havoc amongst the town and demolishing property values by leaving ugly footprints in the yards of various homes.

"Its a huge furry monsters! It's crashing through the city and wreaking havoc amongst the town. And not only that, but it is also demolishing property values by leaving ugly footprints in the yards of various homes."

"Captain Obvious!" the anime-hero-in-making exclaimed, "Where did you come from?"

"Behind you."

"Son, have you taken at least Giant Monsters 101?" Major Action asked the youngest of the trio.

"Ummmm, no, not yet."

"Then you'd best stay outta the way for your own good, kid. Super villains are one thing, but one of these is a whole 'nother story. Good thing the villains are too busy placing bets on the amount of property damage these guys cause to actually take advantage of it. So go make sure some innocent people are safe."

"Yes sir!" the kid said before running off, still wishing he could fly in some over-the-top japanese style.

"Look, it's Super Nuisance!" Captain Obvious pointed out.

"Yeah, I saw him," Major Action replied, rolling his eyes.

The sound of television static filled the air as the most annoying super hero of all, whose legacy continued to spread by causing Pink Despair to fail his hero quiz, much to his irritation, went straight for the big furry monster. As he neared, he produced a dog whistle and...

<These brief moments have been edited out as per the suggestions of our lawyers. Their reasoning was that someone would become so agitated by this scene that they would pull out their hair and then sew us for emotional and scalp damages. We apologize for the inconvenience, but do hope the upcoming, blatant 300 reference makes up for it.>

...was sent spiraling out of control. He slammed into the street and slid across it, the sound of it resembling that of fingernails scrapping on a chalkboard. He slowly got up, unhurt as to hopefully vex the monster.

"Egads!" Super Nuisance exclaimed, "The monster's IQ levels are so low, it does not comprehend irritation beyond itching! And it's skill in scratching itself is remarkable! I don't think I can fight this threat!"

"Wait, whose side are you on?" Major Action asked.

"What do you mean," Super Nuisance asked, annoyingly perplexed.

"You fight injustice by getting on the nerves of your foes," the Major explained, "and your inability to fight is getting on my nerves!"

Super Nuisance shrugged, "It happens."

"Don't worry Super Nuisance, we're here to help!"

And three turned around to see the approximately 75% of the city's body fat coming their way. It was Fat Man and his trusty sidekick, Blubber Boy.

"It's Fatman and Blubber Boy!" Captain Obvious exclaimed.

"Wait, how did they know to come?" Major Action asked.

Fatman pointed towards a light in the sky showing a very wide stick-figure, "We saw the fat light."

"Fried Chicken, Fatman!" the boy glutton shouted, wide-eyed at the carnage, "That monster just took out the donut shop!"

Fatman started to respond, but was interrupted by the arrival of another hero with a big 'U' on his chest, "Don't worry everyone, just leave it to me!"

"Oh great, it's Ultraman," Fatman said in a sarcastic tone, "Lamest hero in this city."

"Why the insults, flabby?" the overly-heroic looking hero asked.

"Because, you're a blatant parody of a certain hero who was too generic for Generica even," Fatman explained, "Plus his movies also sucked, so yours will too."

"What makes you say that?"

"Your tights, you just switched the red and the blue. Plus you also just changed the letter on your chest."

"Well, I'm not the only blatant parody around here! Look at you!"

"Just because my name has one-letter difference from a guy with a bat-fetish and my sidekick idolizes Robin doesn't mean I'm ripping off of him. I mean, come on! I'm fattier than the meals served at a fast food restaurant, even if its only by a marginal amount."

"Whatever you say. Look, I'm going to go single handily save the city again. You five just leave everything to me."

Ultraman didn't give any of the other heros a chance to reply as he took off from the ground and headed straight for the monster. He flew faster than a speeding bullet, causing some people to get into fierce debates over whether he was a bird or a plane. In fact, this debate continues to this day, despite the large amounts of scientific evidence using various equations proving that it was, in fact Ultraman. Additionally, the Supreme Court had also ruled in a hearing last year that it was Ultraman, making it legally enforceable to punish those who think otherwise. For once, all of the appeals the appellate courts get over these cases bothered them more than spending three seconds with Super Nuisance. Four seconds, however, is still worse than the appeals.

By the way, what's the point of being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound when you can fly?

Ahem. Anyways, Ultraman headed straight for the monster, fist drawn back ready to strike. The distance closed at an unimaginable pace, so don't even try. No seriously, quit trying, you're still too slow. I said... ah forget it. When Ultraman got close, he delivered a devastating blow to the big furry monster, knocking it right over. The monster slowly climbed to its feet, growling in anger. As Ultraman moved to strike again, the monster reach behind himself and produced a green rock. Instantly, Ultraman stopped and slowly descended, clearing growing weaker as he went. However, he never fell all the way, the monster got too impatient and flicked him like a fly, causing him to slam into the ground next to the observing heros.

"Darn, he had kryptonite!" Ultraman bemoaned.

Major Action shook his head, "Son, your weakness never made any sense. I want to you drop and give me push-ups until it does."

"You're right, it doesn't make since," Captain Obvious agreed, "Krypton is the chemical element of atomic number 36, a member of the noble gas series, not a rock. It is obtained by the distillation of liquid air and is used in some kinds of electric light."

"Double stuffed cookies, Fatman! I was not expecting that at all!" Blubberboy exclaimed.

"Aren't you supposed to be the most obvious of us all?" Ultraman asked.

"Excuse me," Super Nuisance interjected, "But I saw that explanation coming."

"Seriously Captain, you're slipping." Fatman added.

Captain Obvious scratched his head, "Well, the Author told me to say that and also wanted to add that you can probably confirm it on Wikipedia, though he didn't look up that information from there."

"Assuming the Internet Troll hasn't vandalized it again," Major Action said flatly.

"Uhhhh, is anyone paying attention to me? I said I expected Captain Obvious' explanation," Super Nuisance interjected again.

"Shhhh, we're trying to ignore you," Ultraman whispered.

"OH, SORRY," the most annoying of them all replied in an obnoxiously loud voice, "JUST DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE GIANT MONSTER ON THE LOOSE. WHO IS EXTREMELY RESISTANT TO MY POWERS AND KNOWS ULTRAMAN'S WEAKNESS. AND WILL PROBABLY BE..."

"Chili-cheese dogs, Super Nuisance! We know!" Blubberboy interrupted.

"Right, the monster," Captain Obvious said without really adding anything useful.

"Why don't we have our fat tub of lard over here sit on it?" Major Action suggested, "With something that heavy on it, it won't be able to move at all!"

"Great idea!" Fatman exclaimed, "Not only will it stop the monster, but it'll make this story centric around me too!"

"Assuming there's no plot twist..." Super Nuisance mused.

"Wait, you're going to try to defeat the monster by having him sit on it?" Ultraman asked incredulously, "This is madness!"

"Madness?" Fatman asked, "No. THIS. IS. GENERICA!"

Captain Obvious raised his arm as if to say 'on my mark' ,"Ludicrous League of Justice... ATTA... Wait! How is Major Action going to get there? He can't fly!"

Everyone turned to look at the Major, who was holding an assault rifle in excellent condition, "No son, I can't fly. However, this gun will get me there, for it ain't just any gun. Oh no! This here is a Swiss Army Gun! It can be an assault rifle, sniper rifle, flame thrower, grenade launcher, shotgun, grappling hook, napalm launcher, screwdriver, nail filer, toothpick, remote missile launcher, color television, cell phone, fire extinguisher, cup holder, Excalibur, web browser, poison gas sprayer, Engrish Dictionaly, alarm clock, Death Star Laser, coffee maker, shoe shiner, car battery... the list of its possible uses go on and on. That's why when I go shopping for rifles, I always buy Swiss! Oh, by the way, don't get me started on my knife.

"You arrest people with bullets?" Ultraman asked just as incredulously as before.

Major Action nodded, "And with fire, grenades, tazers, missiles, noxious fumes, and the like. Got a problem with it?"

Considering the odds of the Swiss Army Rifle of having kryptonite, Ultraman just shook his head and remained silent.

"Now that that's settled," Captain Obvious said after a moment of silence, "Ludicrous League of Justice... or at least those still able to fight... ATTACK!"

The three standing heros and sidekick took off to attack the big furry monster. As we already know, Captain Obvious took to the skies and flew as someone would expect a hero to fly. Fatman and Blubberboy were still capable of achieving flight as well, though exactly how they stayed up was quite a mystery that is still being investigated by the world's leading physicists. Major Action, being the different kind of hero as he was, decided to be a non-conformists and instead aimed his Swiss Army Gun at a building. He fired, launching a grappling hook. It latched onto something and soon he was following not far behind.

"Captain Obvious," the Major called out, "Distract the monster while Fat and Blub get on top of it!"

"Alright. But what are you going to do?"

"Keep it from moving."

Captain Obvious went to execute the Major's suggestion and flew straight up in front of the monster. He waved and then said, "Hello. I'm a hero. You're supposed to hate me and, consequently, try to attack me."

The monster stopped its smashing, looked at the hero, and replied, "Duh!"

Immediately afterwards, the monster swung at the Captain. However, I am quite certain you are aware that he obviously avoided the attack in a blatantly impossible manner, like all heros do. Anyone who isn't aware of this probably should check to make sure that they are perfectly sober and that their mind is in a state that doctors would consider "healthy". If they are both sober and sane and still think Captain Obvious would do something unexpected, say like get hit by the first attack, then they're either a rebel without a cause or just lack common sense and probably should be banned from reading this story, though some would argue that would be the opposite of a punishment.

Meanwhile, Major Action swung next to the monster's feet and detached his grappling hook, leaving it stuck on whatever it caught on to as a souvenir for whoever found it first. Odds are it would then be for sale on Ebay five minutes later. Knowing this, Major Action didn't not have a second thought on the hook and instead aimed his Swiss Army Gun at the monster's feet. He fired, spraying a sticky substance all over the ground. A second shot covered its feet in a weighted net. A third attached a chain connected to a heavy iron ball to them. A fourth was a tazer shot that paralyzed them with an electric current. And he continued to fire still, adding more and more immobilizing shots to the monster's feet.

"We're almost there Blubberboy!" Fatman declared, "Get ready!"

"White chocolate candy, Fatman! I'm ready whenever you are!"

"Alright, here goes in three... two... arg!"

Fatman suddenly started to sink. He held up his arms as if reaching for something to grab on. However, considering that they were hovering in thin air, all he had available were several oxygen molecules who were not quite willing to support his weight. So, when his hand drew near them, they fled, leaving only a hapless carbon dioxide molecule that was grabbed. Unfortunately for the large hero, it was not strong enough to slow his fall, let alone support his weight, and was thus dragged down with him, screaming for mercy along the way.

"You know what?" gravity asked rhetorically, "I'm absolutely sick and tired of someone as heavy as you defying me! So guess what? I'm grounding you for the rest of the story! Mwa ha ha ha!"

"Darn you gravity! You'll pay for this!" Fatman shouted back in frustration before turning to his sidekick, "Blubberboy, it's all up to you! You must sit on the monster!"

The boy glutton stared back at his mentor in fear, "Frosted sugar water, Fatman! I can't do it! How am I supposed to do such a heroic deed without you!"

"Come on, kid!" Major Action called up after firing his thirty-second immobilizing device onto the monster's feet. "You gotta do it!"

"Blubberboy, you're our only hope!" Captain Obvious called, still evading hits.

"You can do it, Blubberboy!" Fatman shouted as his descent continued, "Just believe in the heart of the lard!"

"Salty french fries, Fatman! You're right! I can do it if I believe in the heart of the lard!"

"Pssst," Captain Obvious whispered as a fist went above his head, "What's the heart of the lard?"

Fatman shrugged, "I dunno."

"Fresh roasted almonds, monster!" Blubberboy shouted at the beast, "I'm taking you down!"

With a fresh burst of obese agility, Blubberboy shot forward towards the monster. Time slowed as he neared, the monster's ears picking up the threat and turning to meet this new attacked. However, when it saw who was coming and what his plan was, the fierce expression turned into one of pure panic. The monster turned to try to get away, but, with the scene being in slow motion, it really didn't get anywhere before the rotund sidekick dropped down on top of its head. Immediately, under Blubberboy's crushing weight, the monster was unable to support itself and came crashing down. However, thanks to Major Action's efforts, its feet never did move, even after it was done falling.

And so, after many trials and harsh struggle, the heros prevailed over the titanic force that threatened to destroy all of Generica, yet again. However, as always, the brave heros and protectors of this fair city once again arrived in time to prevent the forces of evil from committing injustice. The citizens of the city could now rest peacefully tonight, knowing that this monster would rampage no more and that there were heros always on vigil, watching over... ack!

"Son, do you care to tell me how you keep breaking free from prison?"

* * *

"...is a great move to use in battle. However, the Annoying Chest Slap is also another fun one. All I do is simply slap the opponent's chest with the back of my hand and they become extremely irritated. Despite that though, I still like the Poke of Irritation much more when I'm not using a chalkboard or air horn, since it..."

Angrily, Ultraman slowly turned to face the annoying hero, "Will. You! PLEASE! SHUT! UP!?"

Super Nuisance paused for a moment, "You don't seem to be enjoying this conversation much. I know, lets talk about a new topic! What do you do when you're not saving the city? I'm an inventor, as I like to invent things. Inventing things is..."

Ultraman sighed in expasperation and slapped his face, "Oh my gosh..."

"...Some of the things I've invented are pop-up ads, spam mail, spam email, talking ad-banners, telemarketing..."