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Joshua Price

"A Chilling Night Raid" by Joshua Price

SF&F Picture 3 out of 30 by Joshua Price
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Looking back on this piece is very difficult for me. I was suffering from a serious illness known as 'Gamer Writing', which plagues a bunch of my 2004 work, but this piece is heavily infected. You'll see when I start referring to characters by their 'RPG class'.

This story is also no longer canon.
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Terenas Fakatta, a Dinari Lune Knight hailing from  the unnatively named Dinaria. Terenas had only  recently achieved his ranking as a Lune Knight and  had chosen to choose mastery over ice. After much  training, his control and power over the frozen  liquid became near absolute. Terenas, however, still  didn't know his place in life, and decided to seek  out his destiny.


Stealth. Jobs like this required it greatly. How else could you take surprise a large bandit camp at night? Terenas was leading a small strike force whose ranks were filled with above average skilled warriors, ranging from Arc Knights to Lune Knights to Dragoons. Terenas himself was a Dinari, a race who many sometimes thought were were-wolves. However, Dinari were natural born, lacked inverted legs, lycanthropy, and a slight hunch. Terenas himself was covered in dark gray fur, save where his underside would have been if he was one all fours, which was a light gray. He wore plate mail armor to his wrists, ankles, and neck, which was hued red. He also wore a sword sheath, which housed his weapon on his back.


They moved as quickly and as silently as possible. Eventually, they began to encroach closely upon the camp. They came up on a hill and laid down on their stomachs to prevent detection by sentries. The best point of entry was patrolled by a single guard. Terenas looked over to Shadow Elf who, while not a fully fledged Assassin, was still more then skilled enough to be part of the team. That Shadow Elf then seemed to suddenly disappear. A couple of minutes later, he seemed to reappear behind the guard, unnoticed. The Assassin slipped a dagger hidden in the long sleeve on his right arm and used it to slit the throat of the guard. He then motioned to the others with an 'all-clear' signal. The rest of the force got up and dashed into the camp. The four Lune Knights in the group, Terenas included, quickly casted a weak fire buff upon their swords. The four quickly then used the fire to light a few tents ablaze. The fire quickly spread and alarm was shouted, but there was too much confusion. All of the members withdrew their weapons and scattered to attack the bandits. Terenas, an Elven Arc Knight, and a Human Dragoon, rushed towards the center, slaughtering anyone who stepped into their path. As they passed, they caught glimpses of thieves running around screaming in fear or even attacking each other. Terenas even heard clearly at one point, "You fools! We aren't the enemy!" Things soon got too calm in the section they entered. No thief was about and no noise whose source was from that area. Soon, a group of thieves armed with short swords and similar weapons shot out of two nearby tents, ambushing the group. The Human proved very useful at this point, his spear's range keeping most bandits from harming the trio. Terenas's sensitive ears then quickly caught something. He heard faintly the word "Fire!" Terenas quickly raised his shield just in time as a group of archers popped out and shot arrows at the trio. The attacking bandits, the Elf, and the Human were all stricken by the arrows and were slain. Their blood poured out onto the dirt, making is moist and red. The archers prepared a second volley but Terenas reacted too quickly. He quickly casted an ice attacking spell which had enough arc to strike the archers. One clumsy archer managed to fall backwards to safety, while the rest were severed at the waist by the chilling sharp blades of frozen death. Terenas walked up to the archer, who put his hands behind his head in an attempt to surrender. Terenas, however, was ordered to take no survivors. He lopped off the archer's head.


Terenas rested for a moment, as nobody attacked him at once. After those few minutes, it was then were it seemed to him that everyone attacked at once. The 'corridor of tents' he was in had only two entrances. One side a mob of bandits came screaming through, and then through the other side. Terenas had no choice but to invoke one of his greater attacks to cheat death. He crossed his arms (still holding the sword) over his chest and waited until both mobs were within sword's point range. As the bandits raised their weapons to strike him down, he sent both arms outward towards their respective sides, sending out waves of ice. Soon, the ranks on both sides were frozen, and they would remain that way for about an hour, by which then they would be dead from suffocation. He ran to the top of one of the new ice hills and oversaw the rest of the raid. Large sections of the camp was in flames and fighting was coming to a close. Terenas let out a loud howl to signal retreat. All the surviving special forces attempted to escape.


A couple of hours later, Terenas met with the survivors of his force in a forest clearing. There wasn't many, as the size of the bandit force was double of what was anticipated. Only seven stood: Terenas, another Lune Knight, an Elven Archer, the Shadow Elf Assassin, a Dwarven Arc Knight, a Human Battle Mage, and a Human Weapon Master. Terenas shook his head.


"Though we routed the bandits, we suffered the lost of most of our team. Let us have a moment of silence to honor their sacrifice."


All at once everyone looked to the ground for a few minutes, not speaking. After those minutes Terenas took out a small flute of native origin. He began to play. The melody was slow, sorrowful. It was a melody to help the spirits of their slain friends reach their afterlife. He played for several minutes. Tears streamed down the faces of some of those there, as the ones they lost were close friends. Finally, Terenas stopped and put the flute away.


"I hope they find rest from all this battle," the Battle Mage spoke up, she just having stopped crying, "I also hope Michael finds that peace as well."


A brief silence followed, which was broken by Terenas, "Fate decided that it was their time and not ours. Our destiny isn't fulfilled yet. Though we have lost friends today, we must remember our job in life isn't finished. After it is, then we can be reunited."


Everyone was silent as the words sank in. After several moments the group slowly split and departed in separate ways. Though they would eventually all see the same person for debriefing and rewards, they all wanted to be alone for awhile. As Terenas walked through the forests, he pondered exactly why was he still here. What would he do that would satisfy fate? Though he knew that only time would tell him the answers to his questions.

←- Attack of the Inane Monster | A Fate Worse Than Death -→

DateNameComment 
20 Jul 2006:-) Ryan 'Saint' Stringer
It seems like you have been writing these stories for quite sometime, though I had no way to tell in which order they appear (you may want to consider re-ordering your list or at least adding some clue to this in the story titles). Nonetheless, I took it as a stand-alone story and didn't seem to have missed anything important so that's good.

Something that I think you need to be careful about, which is something that seems pretty consistant with most people who write based on RPGing or whatever, is the desire to create overly elaborate and well-defined structures and classifications for everything. It has a sort of de-characterizing effect when everyone has to conform to a "class" - Lune Knight, Arc Knight, Battle-Mage, Archer, Weapon Master, Thief, Dragoon, etc, instead of actually being given a character and a personality. These sorts of class titles are necessary in an RP setting as they define the style of play, but in a story they detract from the reader's suspension of disbelief as the characters no longer seem like real people but merely pieces on a fantasy-nerd chess board, if you know what I mean.

Apart from that, you wrote the action fairly well, though I think you could do with a little more variety in your vocabulary as you tended to re-use certain words and phrases throughout. Another symptom of RPG-writing that I find fairly commonly is telling instead of showing. You want to get away from telling the reader what is going on and instead SHOW Them how it is going on and why. Get us inside the character's head and make us root for him.

I think you can write pretty decently - a little room for technical improvement, but that comes with practice - but more than anything else I just found that as a story there really wasn't much to dig my teeth into, just a lot of violence without any real characters or plot to back it up. Anyway, I hope you don't feel insulted by anything I've said, just have to be honest that I think you can do better.

:-) Joshua Price replies: "Yes, it is an older tale and stand alone. All of my stories, for the time being, are stand alone. I should add that to my front page.But yea, thats about what I get from the story when I read it, a bunch of violence and little else. Its an old one from 2004, can't remember the day and month since I don't have it listed anywhere. At that time I was just starting my transition from roleplaying to writing, which is a very hard task, believe me! This isn't an impressive piece of work, to say the least, but if you compare it to "Dark Deceptions" or "A Fate Worse Than Death", you'll see the difference. You might like those better too since, while not perfect (despite what Fate's intro note says), are much better than this.Even if it is on something older, thanks for the comments. They'll still help me by keeping forward and backward straight."
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About 'A Chilling Night Raid':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Joshua Price
 • Copyright: ©Joshua Price. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Luneknight, Raid, Bandit, Fighting, Magic, Ice, Anthrowolf
 • Categories: Fights, Duels, Battles, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 413


More by 'Joshua Price':
Tigerheart: Chapter 4
The End of the Beginning.
Tigerheart: Chapter 1
V-I Day
The Ridiculous Battle of Justice
A Fate Worse Than Death
The Final Exam
FR: Dark Deceptions

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